Thursday, December 6, 2012

I'm a loser, baby...

They claimed to be losers.
 When last I wrote, I was a tad freaked about something that was about to happen, so I wanted to share with you how it all played out… If you don’t want to go back and read the last post, here’s a brief summary: Wednesday last, I had a column run in the Chapel Hill News, a sweet little community newspaper… in which I did not pull any punches about my love for Christmas and Jesus. And I was worried… maybe because I didn’t want people to think I’m a loser…?

Beck also claimed he
was a loser.
Well, turns out I am a huuuuuuuge loser, as was revealed in several ways. First of all, when I told her I was worried, my friend Grace asked the group called on our church’s prayer chain to hold me up in prayer, and they certainly did. They prayed that the words would speak into people’s hearts for Christ… and here I was just hoping that no one would say anything mean to me about it. Heck, I didn’t even want them to THINK anything mean about me! So right off, I could see right away how petty and self absorbed I am. It was downright embarrassing… but not a surprise to me. I mean, I know who I am…

Then, when the thing actually came out, I got quite a few email “Huzzah!”s from people in the church, people on Facebook and one complete stranger. It was awesome. However… it completely went to my head! Which is hilarious – I mean, it’s not like I cured cancer or won a Nobel Prize. Honestly, I'm not even sure the article was that good. Nonetheless, by Sunday, it actually crossed my mind that maybe people at church would compliment me. And one actually did… but it certainly wasn’t a deluge of “Well done, you!”s… 'Cos guess what – church isn't about me!

So... what had begun as a desire to share Christ with the world, accompanied by a relatively healthy measure of pride in my work... turned into something kinda nasty in my crazy human brain. Isn’t that the way of it? One day I’m typing, “Wooooo! Jesus!” and the next I’m sunk all deep in a mire of my own crap – fear of man and an unhealthy amount and kind of pride in my own ability.

Yeah. I’m a loser. That said, a friend (Nat Stine) once posted this on his status update: Jesus is for losers. And, yes, I would have to say, He absolutely is. That’s why I love Him – He absolutely is for me. And if He is for me, who can be against me? No one. Not even my own loserishness... which has been proved over and over... And all God’s people say, “AMEN.”

1 comment:

  1. I so totally get this, Julie! Thanks for being so honest. It's true, isn't it? What I do, I don't want to do, and what I want to do, I don't do.
    I want to honor God with every word. I want to believe that he alone is my judge, and that there is no condemnation in Christ. Yet I too fear the opinions of man, crave the affirmation of others. I hear you.