Welcome to my Morass

Can you addendum an addendum? Whether or not, I’m about to do it! I started out talking about how I have resolved to “engage conflict”… then in an addendum, I said I’m way too tired to get into it with EVERYone, so I’m just going to limit it to those closest by. Well, each time I thought, "That's all I have to say about THAT!" But then my crazy, confused mind keeps churning over all the crazy confused thoughts that have resulted from the statements previously made... and I just can't seem to move on! So here's a peek into the morass of moral struggle that pushes and pulls on my brain just now:

While I was writing the first addendum, I almost used in my defense my two quotes from Jesus in the first blog, which instruct us like this (emphasis mine,): “If your brother has something against you…” and “If your brother sins against you…” NOT, “If anyone you meet has something against you…” or “If anyone that crosses your path sins against you…”

My point was that “brother” implies close relationship – family... but I didn’t go there because I was also mindful of the parable of the Good Samaritan. This is a pretty popular story, but in case you need a refresher, here it is, as found in Luke 10:

The Good Samaritan was a stranger, but
the naked guy's neighbor nonetheless.

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

Of course this story uses the term “neighbor” instead of “brother,” so maybe it's referring to something completely different...? But I still didn’t feel right using the words of Jesus to justify myself in this case. I mean, you see where it got the expert in the law in Luke 10, right?

This is my neighbor... I
love him and would certainly
get him out of a ditch.

I have always found this particular parable ten kinds of confusing, even though for the most part, it couldn’t be clearer: Help people, dammit. Whoever God puts in your path! No matter who they are!

What I find confusing, though, is this: if you think about it: The man says, “Who is my neighbor?” (that is to say, “who do I have to love?”) Jesus’s answer is – the one who helped him. What? I thought it was about who WE were supposed to help. Now it’s – who helps us? See? I told you it was confusing!

Does that mean I’m supposed to love those who help me? That doesn’t seem right, does it? Doesn't everyone do that? (In another place Jesus says "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" FYI, that's also the passage where Jesus takes it all the way and tells us to love our enemies... as if loving our neighbor isn't enough work!)

Maybe Jesus meant for us to love whoever gives us the time of day... even if they are a filthy Samaritan. (Oddly enough, that reminds me of a friend of mine who lists his religion on Facebook as “Dirty Jew,” which totally cracks me up. Weren't Jews the clean ones?)

What I’m getting at here is… does the “brother” Jesus talked about as the person you are supposed to make things right with no matter what, differ from the “neighbor” who is either whoever needs your help – or whoever helps you?

These are my actual brothers... I love
them in a completely different way...
of course I would also get them out of a
ditch if called to do so.

I don’t know. Certainly giving physical aid to someone as an act of Christian love is not the same as the love you have and show to a person in your own family. You wouldn’t treat every woman the same as your wife. I hope not, anyway. You’re supposed to love your wife as your own body. And the woman next door? Just help her when she needs help. Unless, of course, she needs a sperm donor.

But I digress... and this has degenerated into one of the sillier, more self-answering posts I’ve written. I guess what I’m wondering is this: is love for one’s brother or other very close relative different from love for one’s neighbor? Maybe it’s the difference between love+affection and love+charity…? 

Another confusing thing is that apparently, all Christians are our brothers now. ("For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother." – Matthew 12) Hmmm... I guess that's why Paul felt comfortable censuring other Christians... seeing as how they were family and all... 

So... does it mean that I am called to develop deep and excruciatingly real relationships with every Christian I meet? Not to sound awful, but I hope not. To reiterate – I'm just too tired. One thing is sure, though: If I see ANYONE lying in a ditch left for dead – Christian or not, I need to go out of my way to help… even if I might chip a nail.

And all this serves to highlight just how FAB Jesus was. He said, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” But He didn’t just lay down his life for his friends – He laid it down for people He didn’t even know. Oh – wait a minute... He's God – He DOES know everybody! He's our neighbor, our brother – even our husband!* Fab, no?


*Ever heard the excellent song Jesus, Lover of My Soul?

Addendums (Addendi?)

After a discussion with a very good friend – one I’m not afraid to get into it with, by the way – I’ve decided that my last post needed some caveats or addendums (addendi?) or what have you. If you need a refresher and don't feel like scrolling down, I wrote about my resolution to “engage conflict” in order to go deeper in my relationships. Anyway, my friend made a valid point: Many – maybe most? – people don’t have the psychic energy it takes to “go deeper” with more than a couple of people in their lives.

She once heard a father tell the story of the time his daughter said, “I just can’t handle more than one high-maintenance friend.” And this father, who I consider to be an extremely wise man, thought that what his daughter had said was extremely wise.

I wouldn’t say that I have a lot of high-maintenance friends… maybe because I’ve practiced the above subconsciously throughout my life. I mean, I know my limitations. But I will also say that the level of plunging into relationships in which we “engage conflict” probably cannot be maintained across the board with all our acquaintances. I mean, maybe some people can handle that, but I would find it exhausting. And I’m already pretty tired.

Adam from Girls

In my mind, it’s mostly about context. For instance I will go deep with the people I am around the most – my husband and my best friend. (My siblings, too… not that they’re around, but we’re already in deep!) If we are going to be hanging out, I want to build a relationship that is based on who I really am – not the tiptoeing around afraid-to-say-boo me I usually show.

That said, I want to mention again that such self-being should be done with all kindness, patience, love and courtesy. Sure, home is a place where you can let your farts out with impunity – we do… but your inner a-hole? That needs to stay inside. Tell me the truth all you like, but be nice about it, right? 

Because I so don’t agree with what Adam says in an episode of HBO’s Girls: “When you love someone, you don’t have to be nice all the time.” In my sporadic reading of C.S. Lewis’ masterful writings, I KNOW that there’s a place where he addresses this misconception. Now, I love to quote my sources directly but have been unable to locate the reference despite quite an honest effort.

Again with the C.S. Lewis...

So, IF I remember correctly, Lewis says something like this: “People often think they don’t have to be courteous at home, citing the need to be themselves. However, home is the place where courtesy and civility are most required.” I’m going to keep looking for this quote, just in case I’m totally misrepresenting, which I certainly could be… unintentionally, of course. 

Moving right along… to outside of the home… if we just see each other occasionally, it’s unlikely that we’ll be pissing one another off on a regular basis, so you needn’t fear me getting all up in your grill. You’d hope, anyway!

And if we are friends on Facebook, I’m not going to scrap with you because internet interaction can come across as cantankerous. That said, I do love me some meaningful discourse, so if you want to ponder the meaning of life, discuss theology – theoretical or practical – or just talk about the New York Dolls… then by all means, let’s have coffee or something! However, coffee talk, no matter how philosophical does not necessarily lead to the kind of “conflict engaging” I was talking about.

And, of course, none of this is to say I wouldn’t be assertive with people when needed – on simple things like “where do you want to eat?” Or, “What movie shall we watch?” Although sometimes I honestly have no opinion. It’s not a matter of fear of making waves – I just don’t have a preference. Or, for instance, if I got shortchanged or something. But that’s not the same thing, really.

Okay, so the meaning of this follow-up blog, is... wait – what is it? Um … oh yeah… Sure, I’m going to engage, but I know my limitations… and I can’t do the push-me-pull-you thing with every single person. 

Time to Make Waves

This New Year's resolution
carries a high degree
of difficulty.

January is winding down, and I’ve not yet addressed the old stand-by topic of New Year’s resolutions… If you’re a regular reader, you may recall that last year I took Roddy Dinsmore up on his challenge to resolve to “know Jesus.” I have no idea if I rose to the challenge. I did manage to have some quiet times, to complete The Story at a fairly reasonable pace, and to have a spiritual insight or two… but do I “know” Jesus any more deeply than I did before? I’m not sure how one would go about measuring such a thing… So I’m not going to try. I can honestly say that I’m glad I did all the things I did that may or may not have contributed to spiritual growth. And I do hope that I don’t know him any LESS than I did before…!

Anyway, resolutions for this year? I have two. The first, I revealed in my monthly column in our local paper, The Chapel Hill News – that I plan to shop, eat and rock LOCAL as much as possible. I think it's important to get to know my neighbors and help their businesses stay afloat.

Resolution number two is a bit more of an amorphous blob, but solid in my own mind nonetheless. On the surface, my resolve looks sort of like: I’m not going to take sh*t off anybody.

Donald Miller's most
recent book

But that’s not really what I mean at all. It’s more like… well… Maybe it would help if I tell you that I got the idea is from Donald Miller, the author of – among other things – Blue Like Jazz, (and, yes, I’m saying him again.)

His new book, Storyline, is all about achieving your goals – writing and fulfilling your own story, and here is one piece of advice he gives: Engage conflict. 

He says, “Move from conflict avoidant to conflict engaging: All great characters have to go through conflict. Without conflict, stories are boring and characters don’t change. Real-life people are the same. The more we avoid conflict, the less impact we will have.” 

So that’s my self-promise: to “engage conflict.” I bet you’re thinking, “Whew! I’m glad I don’t have to deal with HER on a daily basis!” Or if you’re my husband, you may be thinking, “Oh crap… THAT’s why she’s all up in my grill these days.”

But I’m hoping it won’t be like that exactly... I mean, I’m not going to go around picking fights or anything, as fun as that prospect seems — and I'm pretty sure I could take you. No, it’s just that I’m usually, as Donald Miller says, highly “conflict avoidant.” I am really big into having people like me and not be mad at me. I tiptoe around people's irritabilities... try not to make waves… mostly, anyway. 

So now, instead of just going with everyone’s flow, I am going to try to speak up when I feel misunderstood. I mean, if I just keep going how I’m going, no one will ever understand me, right? I guess in the self-help biz, this is just called "being assertive.” Or, as I mentioned above, it could be referred to as, “calling people on their BS.” 

But, again, I hope it’s much deeper. To really know each other, we need to get into the thick of what makes us tick… what unites and divides us, hash out our feelings and motivations… That's where I'M going with this.

I guess I could have gone with a
surfing metaphor, what with the waves 
and all, but I just... didn't.

Jesus said, “If your brother sins again you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” (Matthew 5) He didn’t say “If your brother sins against you, just ignore it.” Which is what I am likely to do. I even get to pretend I’m being gracious. “I'm not going to bring it up,” I tell myself... “I'm just going to forgive."

But believe me, that’s not what's happening. No, I’m stewing about it. Having imaginary heated conversations with them about it while I shower. Whining to my closest friend about it. Yes, that’s my way. I am thinking that maybe Jesus’s way might be better (ya think?)… because the purpose of all the “fault showing” is to bring our crap into the light... in order to bring about mercy and reconciliation… not just rant at people to blow off steam. Will the brother in this scenario appreciate it? Maybe not – no one likes to be told they screwed up! But if you want to go deeper, you have to try anyway... because it’s all about developing strong, loving relationships. So if I get into it with you... you'll know it's because I think you're worth the effort it takes to go deeper.

Young John Entwistle?
 Old John Entwistle?
I couldn't decide,
so I posted both!

Jesus also said, “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5) According to this, going to church doesn’t mean much if you’re on the outs with someone… So if I’VE done something crummy to someone, I need to come clean with them… I need to let them call me on MY BS. In fact, according to Jesus, I should drop everything and invite them to do it!

So, what I’m saying is that while I’m trying to “engage conflict,” my ultimate purpose is to bring about deeper, truer relationships. Hopefully, I won’t come across as a crazy woman – like the murderous shrew in John Entwistle's brilliant song, My Wife... or even what the Proverbs describe as, “a contentious woman.” “It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman… It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman.” (Proverbs 21.)

And I am not in any way a relationship expert – just ask anyone who knows me. No, I'm definitely feeling my way in the dark here... but I am thinking that the only way I can pull it off even a little bit is by having and showing as much love, patience, calmness and grace as possible. (As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13: “Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.") Although.... being patient, kind, etc., is NO guarantee that I won’t be perceived as contentious. In my experience, folks generally don't enjoy being disagreed with, no matter how pleasant the disagreer’s demeanor. I don't either... but in this new way of mine, I am going to have to be willing to listen and engage when they disagree with me as well.

So… it’s going to be a huge challenge. Huge. Because 1. I have to be patient and calm, and 2. I have to be willing to listen and engage when someone has a problem with ME. And most of all, 3. because I want people to like me. That said, I'm going to attempt this double back-flip with a twist of a resolution anyway... because I want them to like the REAL me – not the current, way-too-agreeable, non-wave-making me, but the real me. But what if they don't? Oops.

Pure Gift

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. (Ephesians 2)

I’ve tried a couple of different times to try to write about this book I just read, and honestly… I have gotten nowhere with my traditional style of roundabout, bantery intro... Then I kind of hemmed and hawed, worried that I should maybe read it again so I’ll have a firmer grasp of the concepts conveyed and ensuing implications…  Because rest assured, what follows is going to be kind of a mixed up mess. But this book happens to be so intriguing, that I can’t really let my failure to cute-up the intro or my shakiness with the material stop me from sharing it with you. So here goes…

The book is called, God is a Gift, by Doug Reed, and since none of my “clever” intros worked, I’ll just plow right in and tell you that the beginning premise is basically this (if I understood correctly): God loves you and extends pure grace (forgiveness) to you free of charge. This is where I bring in my old favorite, John 3:16 (For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.) When we cry out to Him in our sin He applies His own righteousness to us, so that we are judged NOT by our behavior, but according to our identification and relationship with Him.

Now this stuff is all over the Bible, and it’s something you learn in Sunday School from day 1 and hear in church, right? “God is love. God loves you.” So I can’t act like I have never heard it before. On the other hand… in some churches you might also get the feeling that God gets really mad when you don’t please Him. That God has a sh*t list and you’re on it because you’re not perfect. Now, my church isn’t like this, but I was raised in a home like this, so that is sort of how I operate…

So imagine my immense comfort and joy to be able to wallow (figuratively, of course) with Doug Reed in this warm, comfortable, completely-backed-up-by-Scripture bed of “God Loves You” pillows made of what feels like either pure high-quality down or maybe the most expensive memory foam… I know it sounds silly but for a few days after reading the book, I walked around thinking to myself, “God loves me. He adores me. He LOVES hanging out with me. He doesn’t think I’m boring or crazy or bad or sinful or silly…” It was awesome.

But wait! There’s more! As the title clearly says, we must also wallow in the fact that God’s love and grace are PURE GIFT. That is to say, I didn’t do ANYTHING to earn or deserve it. So that makes me better than… NO ONE. Since there is no behavior element to all this, we can’t really go around separating people into camps… like sinners / not sinners… us / them… There’s really just us: people God loves and who need Him. And as for those who have figured out their need for God – well, that was a gift too.

Like many people, I am used to thinking of the Christian life in terms of behavior ­ – even though I have certainly relaxed with age. Although, as any well-versed Protestant will tell you, we don’t obey God’s commands to EARN our salvation, but out of gratitude for God’s grace, we obey Him. See? Behavior still comes into it, right? However, Reed brings up in the first chapter that he didn’t think God created us to be a bunch of law-abiding little robots, but to just BE with us. Sweet.

And while there is nothing wrong with doing the right thing – it might even save you some pesky prison time – if that's our aim, we may be missing the point. Maybe a more relevant concern is the LOVE and GRACE that should flow from God’s love and grace in us. Like Paul says, “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” (Galatians 5)

CS Lewis wore glasses like mine!

I’ll say it another way because I love Mike Myers: In Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, our groovy hero points out, freedom requires responsibility. Okay, so what is my responsibility? Well, it’s NOT, as I once suspected, to follow God’s laws – as laid out in Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy. Nor is it to follow our culture and time’s definition of God’s law. It is this: to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength… and to love our neighbor as ourselves. As Jesus Himself said, “All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22)

Now if you ask me, following this directive is much harder than abstaining from drink, following a certain political agenda, or any of the things that go with the Christian subculture. Maybe that’s why we LIKE to play by specific rules – it’s much easier that loving that annoying neighbor!

But love him we must. As C.S. Lewis said, “There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal… But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit. ... Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses.”

Yes, even – especially – those who have not received the gift of God’s love and grace. They are, in actuality, just as worthy as we are. I mean, we don’t deserve it either, right? They might, in fact, need to feel our love and grace the most!

"FAG PIMP BRAND"

Good little evangelical that I am, it also occurred to me that some would argue that it is not loving to allow people to continue in sin, and that pointing our their sin is the most loving thing to do. I saw a couple of members of the notorious Westboro Baptist Church on Russell Brand's show, and that’s THEIR argument. Uh-huh. And in the same show they presented their host with a sign that that said, “FAG PIMP BRAND” and declared that Tom Hanks would most certainly be going to hell. (“It’s like a really tricky quiz of hate!” Brand exclaims.) Who’s going to listen to guys like that? I think I saw on Facebook that some people consider them to be a hate group!

I don’t mean to make light of all this by referring to Russell Brand – who though striking and smart, is completely silly... but I guess my point is that telling people about their sin probably isn’t going to help much unless it is done in the context of a real relationship… from a comfy couch of love and grace. Who is going to listen to a bunch of angry folks picketing a funeral? RUDE! (Guess what, though... I'm not better than THEM, either!)

Seems to me that in the early church, moral correction was done within the church body, not the wider world. Telling the world about their sin was in the context of spreading the good news about Christ.

Anyway... as I wind down, I’m a little worried that I may not have explained the book correctly or adequately… but maybe I’ve given you a desire to read it…? Weirdly enough, the book I feel most compelled to compare it to, even though it is not related in ANY way, is Elton John’s Love is the Cure. After seeing so many friends and associates die from AIDS, Sir Elton was moved to begin his tireless work of fighting the disease across the world. A theme that runs through the book is that the disease is perpetuated, spread by personal shame of its victims and judgment by others. Sir Elton’s prescription? Love. “This is a disease that must be cured not by a miraculous vaccine, but by changing hearts and minds, and through a collective effort to break down social barriers and to build bridges of compassion.”

And if I understand Reed’s book THIS is how our sin-sick lives and our world are changed… the love and grace of God draws us to Him, and we spread it to everyone else. That’s quite a simplification, I know, but really, I could chew over this stuff all day long. Instead I’m going to use the energy to love you.