This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?

I have this crazy way of interpreting nearly every song and movie to be about God... I know that unless you are listening to actual Christian music or maybe U2 or Van Morrison, the songs probably aren’t meant to be interpreted that way, but I can’t help it. Call it a hobby, a game, a conceit, a nervous tic... It’s just the way I see things. 

Someday I’ll tell you  more about it, but today, I’m going to talk about this song by XTC: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vq1U8BKsEw. He says: “Come with me to the church on the corner the hop... Life begins at the hop!” which became switched in my mind to be: “Come with me to the hop on the corner the church... Life begins at the church!”

‘Cos I do love me some church. Sure it’s got its faults, and plenty of them. There’s gossip, judgmentalness, infighting, rifts, even, as we knows from news about the Catholic church, abuse. I’m thinking because it’s full of sinners. The church’s people are broken, scared, tired and insecure... they’re hard to love, but so am I! But they KNOW they are broken... that’s why they’re in church!

The church I grew up in

Because, as imperfect as it is, it remains a beautiful refuge for the people of God. A place for broken people to rest their weary souls, feed on the truth and get stronger. Sure, there are people who are in church because it’s part of their culture, a social expectation; and sure, there are churches that are made up primarily of these people. I grew up in a Methodist Church, and I couldn’t read the minds of the adults around me, but it seemed to me at the time that church attendance was mainly just something that was expected of people in the South. But when you find an authentic, built-on-Jesus church, you are in for a real taste of God’s love. It will be imperfect, because the vessels are imperfect – broken, but He told us to love you, so we’re going to do it! 

When Jesus made Peter the head of the church, he said, “And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.” And I think that despite its many sins and faults, the church continues to exist by God’s grace, and will remain to the end... because Jesus said it would.

I think that in special cases, where a person is totally isolated and can’t meet with other Christians, God will meet him (or her) and help him to grow, but if a person can be in a church, it is the best and easiest way to experience the grace of God and flourish as a Christian. When I returned to church in my twenties, it was very difficult for me. I thought I was so hip, and looked around at the people in my new church and thought, “What a bunch of nerds!” 

But somehow I stuck with it... the grace of God? Probably. They were good to me, I sucked down God’s word, and I grew so much... in ways I never could have alone. Alone, you can read The Bible and books about God, pray to God endlessly, but you never get to see how God’s love works in a community.

It’s like the character John in C.S. Lewis’s Pilgrim’s Regress... He’s trying to get across a chasm in the road. He could go with Mother Kirk (the church), but instead tries to find his own way... In the end, though, he ends up being carried across the chasm by Mother Kirk after all. Because that’s what she’s there for. And if you could trudge along alone, or with a crazy – but interesting – bunch of people who have been commanded to love you... Well, I know what I would choose! 

If you have qualms about church, think the people are nerdy (we are!), hate the music, or are just shy... You are certainly not alone. But it doesn’t hurt to try it... just once. Sit in the back and drink it in, then duck out before someone tries to shake your hand. That’s easy, right?

In John’s Gospel there is a place where the disciples say, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?” and Jesus says, “You do not want to leave too, do you?” But Simon Peter answers him: “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” And if you want to hear Jesus’s words... where do you go? The hop on the corner, the church... Life begins at the church, boys and girls!

Roll up for the magical mystery tour, step right this way!

Welcome to the amazing miracle that is the Internet, everybody! I’m not saying anyone is new to it, but since I began writing my blog, I am being struck again by how mindblowingly fascinating it is... Not because my blog has made it fascinating, but because of, well, because of the things it can do! 

I began writing my blog because I love to write and kind of missed it. Frankly, I didn’t think too hard about it – I just went to the blogger site and registered and wrote something. I’m not sure where I got the idea... divine inspiration? Then I just started presenting a little essay not quite every day, with the thought in mind, “It doesn’t matter what I write because no one is reading it.” I felt it was a logical assumption because the internet is so vast – who would even be able to find my unassuming little blog?

But... lo and behold, a few people commented! Family members far and wide, old friends, former co-workers... I was, and still am, so flattered that ANYONE would read it! Then... I found – and became a little too interested in – the place on Blogger that they call “stats.”

This is where you find out how many people are reading - right now, by day, week, month or all time (1,486). How many read each entry. What country they come from. People from the US, the UK, Australia, Norway, Germany, the Philippines, Argentina, Canada, Italy and Kenya have clicked on my blog. They might not have read it, but they got there somehow for at minute! 

On the stats page, you can find out what sites are bringing them to yours, and even what browser and OS they are using (Mac and Windows are running neck and neck!)

You can also find out how much you are making on the ads on your page. When a reader clicks on one of the ads, you get paid, like, ten cents or something. So far I have earned a whopping $2.48! So... click on my ads, people! Since I’m talking about the ads... I’ve noticed that they have rigged it so that the ads go with what you’re talking about. My blog gets lots of Christian ads. When I wrote about fashion, I got some fashion ads; the post about The Help got an ad from Merry Maids... it's a tad creepy, but interesting nonetheless!

Another miracle of the Internet: YouTube. I saw a lot of obscure bands at the Cat’s Cradle in the 80s, and for all I knew, it was a one-shot deal. But now... you can find pretty much any band playing pretty much any song on YouTube. You can find old TV commercials, show your kid clips of the Six Million Dollar Man, or Evel Knievel jumping over stuff. Sure it’s all mixed in with clips of people lighting their farts, but I maintain that it is a flat-out miracle.

Also, the Internet makes it possible for people like me to work at home. Document transfer and email are a snap. We can make a living without ever changing out of our pajamas. Need to make a personal call? Go ahead. It’s your time. Got a sick kid? No problem. Make a little bed beside your desk, fix him a bed tray and give him some comic books.

The Internet has been around a while now, though, so we take it for granted. You should see how cranky a certain man  I know – I’m not going to name him, but he lives in this house – gets when the Internet goes out. He has everyone in the house rushing around trying to reset the modem, calling Time-Warner, or whatever else might appease him.

It reminds me of this clip of Louis CK called, “Everything’s Amazing and Nobody’s Happy: www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk (it’s not rated G, so if you’re delicate, don’t click on it!) This is a miraculous age, but we come to expect the miracles... We expect to all run smoothly, when, really, there are just more things to frustrate us! I mean, we’re sitting here in a house full of books, cds, dvds and, like, 5000 TV channels, and we’re flipping out because we can’t get on the Internet!

In the past if I wanted to discuss this miracle we call the Internet with you, I’d have to call you up, go over to your house, or write you a letter. Or for a larger audience, I’d write a book or a magazine article... which would then have to be accepted by a publisher, printed and published. Instead, you are God-knows-where – wearing God-knows-what!, reading this, and I did nothing but write it and click a button. So in this case, Louis CK, yes, everything is amazing, but I am definitely happy.

[insert crazy dangerous activity here]

So now that I’ve completely bummed you out... let’s talk about something else. Like my son Bill. He’s awesome! And now that you know what my body’s been through, you know what a miracle he is.

Today while he was eating his bread and butter breakfast, he told me, “when people say certain words I get a picture in my mind. Like if you say, ‘carrot,’ I see a baby carrot on an orange background. And if you say, ‘rain forest’ I see Wonderwoman flying over a rainforest. When I hear the word ‘soul,’ I see a sword with blue light shooting out of it in front of a blue background’ When he says stuff like this, I am ashamed of all the times I’ve told him to be quiet so I can concentrate on what I am doing.

Since he goes to Catholic school and Sunday school, he has already wrestled with some real theological issues, and has valid questions that, frankly, I can’t answer, like “if people are chosen, don’t they have a say?” At the same time, he has asked funny questions like, “Mommy were you alive when Jesus was alive?” That was a while back, I think he has a firmer grasp now of the timeline of history...

Bill at a neighborhood 4th of July
party, an event that he conceived.

One time I told him that “Daddy has a tender heart, so you need to try not to hurt his feelings.” I actually forgot about telling him this, then several months later, he told me in confidence, “I always sit with Daddy at restaurants because he has a tender heart. You KNOW I love you, but I want to make sure Daddy knows too.” My own tender heart melted at this! Of course later, Grace told him that he should be nice to his mommy because she had tender feelings and he had a meltdown and yelled, “No! Daddy has a tender heart!” I guess he couldn’t handle tiptoeing around more than one adult at a time! I had to laugh.

He has a brilliant imagination – he writes and illustrates books and makes up stories to help himself get to sleep. He loves to wear costumes - if you come to our house, you are likely to meet up with a knight, a Roman soldier, Luke Skywalker, an astronaught, the Flash, Spiderman... He loves babies and kittens, but is a boy through and through. He plays army and knights and loves a water fight, a nerf sword fight or a good bout of wrestling. ‘Cos that’s what little boys are made of, right?

Given all the wonderful and clearly sensitive things that he says, it sometimes takes me by surprise when he does the stuff a kid his age would normally do... I remember being a kid, and thinking stuff like, “What would happen if I... [insert crazy dangerous activity here]...” Or when he follows kids who are clearly, well, jerks... I guess since he’s that articulate, it’s hard to believe that he’s still just a little kid. He still needs guidance and hugs and pretty much constant parental supervision.

When Tom and I were married, we said that we wouldn’t have any kids... I never wanted kids because I didn’t want to pass on my tendency toward fear, self-loathing, and obsessiveness. This was not unreasonable, since we were not terribly young. But, after sitting next to people with babies at church, my heart started to soften and we decided to try. One month later, I was carrying a zygote. 

The zygote grew into the amazing Bill, and I have loved him ever since.

Let's Beat A Dead Horse!

Not to beat a dead horse, but after yesterday’s post I wanted add more because a) I want make sure that I emphasize God’s role in all this, and b) occasionally parents who know a little about my history will come to me about their daughters who are suffering from anorexia. They want advice about how to react and what they can do for their daughters, And, truthfully, I really don’t know what to tell them. 

Mostly because my memory of the time was sort of foggy – I was so busy trying to juggle everything that was going on... keeping my life together – job, finances, relationships... and the weird thing about the healing process for this particular disease is that even while you may be trying to get better, you are also trying to hang on to it... because you’re afraid of what might happen when you “get fat.”

This is what happened to me... I attended sessions with a therapist at Duke’s outpatient clinic, and I am sure this helped... but more importantly: I, who fancied myself a sort of goth hipster, fell in with some Christians... which led to going to church, which led to being personally counseled by Randy Russell – one of the church’s pastors, who has written a great short book about self image. If you’re interested, I’ll ask him if I can share it.

All the people of the church really rallied around me – figuratively speaking, of course. They actually served as the Body of Christ – acting as His agents to show me the love. One woman in the church who had suffered from anorexia met to talk with me on a regular basis – we are still good friends to this day. And my own friends and family surrounded me with metaphorical hugs. My friend Suzanne sent me $40 for my first therapy session; my sister Eve sent me a teddy bear, and both my sisters came a long way to attend a family therapy session... My roommate Alecia should get an award just for putting up with me. There were so many other things that people did for me that I just can’t name them all.

So, having been surrounded by all this love and many prayers, as well as actual medical support... I heard a writer/speaker named Larry Crabb say something like this: You never realize the depth of your sin until you finally see how much it is hurting the people you love. And all those people that I mentioned – and many others – flashed before my eyes... Then I went home and started to eat. Then I had more friends who would go out to eat with me... Did I say I love my friends?!

Once you start to eat, and feel better physically, it gets easier to make rational decisions, so eventually you get better. And that’s what happened. So I guess I would say to parents: get medical help, but also rally around and smother that child with love! Help her to know God – through His people is a good way. And pray. I don’t know if any of this will help, but ... it worked for me!

PS: I have no photo for this one because NO ONE wanted to take my pic in those days!

Pot luck at my house!

Guess what? I’ve achieved my ideal weight! I’m sure if you know what I look like, you’re going to say, “What?” And I’m not going to tell you what it is... not because I’m embarrassed, but because it’s not really a number. It’s a state of mind.

My weight and I have had a rocky relationship since... well, since I was nine and noticed that my gut stuck out. At that point, it was probably just the way a girlish tummy is shaped, but I, who had a mom who looked like Jackie O, thought it was a situation that needed fixing. So... I spent my teen years dieting, then my twenties as a weird-looking, tortured anorexic, and a great deal of my thirties as a person who just really watched what she ate. I ate low fat, no fat, high protein ... and I exercised. Like crazy. 

Anorexia is sort of a superpower... and not a good one. It gives you SUPER willpower, so that no matter what logic is presented to you, you will follow your diet. It keeps a body running on little to no food, and if you really work the superpower, you can also function – hold a job and maintain relationships (although I won’t say they’ll be that good.) You can do your work, interact with people, and count calories and calculate energy burned – all at the same time.

Of course, people know that something is wrong with you because, well, you look, in the words of Bridget Jones, like a stick insect. Also because you don’t eat and always have to run home and exercise. I don’t think they know the extent of it, though. They don’t know your mind is constantly counting and calculating... and when it’s not doing that, it’s beating you up with a giant, spiky guilt and fear club.

Finally, though, I lost my superpower... and my body won out. I think it was so tired and so hungry that I just began to eat. And eat. My body had missed a lot of meals! I struggled for a while to recommit myself to my diet, with no result... Fortunately for me, that crazy period ended after a short time – because I actually let myself eat and rest. 

For that time, I am extremely thankful for my friend Grace who taught me how to love food – and that there was nothing to fear... and my husband, Tom, who has known me at all sizes and loved me at each and every one of them. 

And I don’t remember when it was, but I do remember having this moment of clarity at one point: When I am able to just live in freedom – eating what I like and exercising a reasonable amount... without worrying or thinking about food or exercise beyond what is needed... whatever I weigh at that time – THAT will be my ideal weight. 

And I’m here! I grocery shop, plan meals, enjoy eating out and trying new foods... but I really don’t EVER think about it beyond what I need to do my job as the primary meal maker in the home. And I exercise a reasonable amount, but nothing too strenuous or excessive.

So... celebrate with me! Pot luck at my house! Bring something delicious and fattening!

In which I wonder, What if?

I’ve got kind of a headache today... I think from crying. I went to see The Help a little while ago... It was wonderful, as advertised, but boy did it make me cry. And think.

It took place in Jackson, Missisippi, in 1963, and was all about some women and their maids... the women who cooked, cleaned, and took care of their children. It was wrenching to see these strong, capable women being treated like ... non-people... and by people who are strikingly similar to the women I grew up with.

I grew up in the South, and my family nearly always had a maid. As children, we had no idea what was going on... I think my parents treated the maids reasonably well, but what do I know? I was just a kid. I wonder what the maids were thinking?

And I have to wonder ... had I been an adult at the time of the movie, how would I have behaved? Which character would have been me? Skeeter, the most sympathetic character, is an aspiring journalist who was writing down the maids’ stories to call attention to their way of life. She starts the project at the advice of a publisher, but grows to love the maids and see the worth of the project. She even shares her earnings from the book with them. Would I have taken initiative like this? Would I have been this brave? 

My family in the early sixties -
Looking an awful lot like the people in The Help

At the opposite end of the spectrum is Hilly, the leader of the pack of prominent young, Junior League women. She is pretty much an evil witch... pushing for separate bathrooms in the home for their maids, and firing her maid, Minnie, for not using the outdoor john during a tornado. I really don’t think I would have been Hilly... because I’m not the leader type. It would involve way too much iniative. And also, too, I hope I am not that mean!

No... but the character Elizabeth – she’s a little too close to home for me... a follower to the core... cowed by her friend Hilly into building one of the horrid outdoor bathrooms for her maid, Abilene. In order to not make waves, or piss off overbearing people, I am afraid I have not always made great choices. This character is familiar to me, but I hope I would do better.

I guess I will never know how I would have behaved... I was raised in the South, and back then racism was in the air and in the water there. But I had the good fortune of being born AFTER the civil rights movement... so there were other things swirling around in the air and the water by that time.

A great guy named Tim Tyson wrote a book called Blood Done Sign My Name, about racial violence in Oxford, North Carolina, the town where I grew up. All I remember from the incidents his book describes was the curfews and people saying the name “Teal” (the name of the man who set events in motion.) I also remember the integration of the schools, which made no difference to me. It just meant a different set of kids to play with. Are children color blind? Maybe. Or maybe I had heard enough about civil rights to have those concepts in me...  These are the things that I remember, and as a child, really couldn’t do anything about them. Again, had I been an adult, what would I have done? 

In the same way, I often wonder if I had been around when Jesus was here, would I have recognized Him? He did make some outrageous statements... like about drinking his blood and all. I am not surprised that it freaked the Pharisees out. I always felt a little sorry for them because, bless their hearts, they were so dense. At the same time, Jesus was pretty enigmatic. What would have been my reaction? Would I have just followed the leaders, or discerned the truth and been brave enough to follow it?

And in what ways, now, am I blindly following the crowd and not making courageous decisions? I have been brave from time to time in my life, but I have also been quite chicken at others. I guess I just keep having to follow the advice of James: “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” And as I write this, I realize that James was the brother of Jesus, and even he, at first, didn’t recognize Jesus for who he was. So... I guess he eventually learned to pray for wisdom. I guess I’ll have to do the same.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

I try to be positive... really. I’m Southern enough to follow this guideline “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Usually.  That said, I’m going to say something that is not particularly nice. I am not terribly smart about politics, so please don’t worry that I am going to blunder into this territory ever again... But I really want to get this off my chest: politicians really frustrate me.

I was going to put a painting of St.
Paul with the Pharisees and Sadducees
at the temple, but when I googled it, I got this
phone snap of the Stone Temple Pilots
performing in St. Paul. I couldn't resist.

I mean, in theory, they run for office to be of service to the country, to make a difference... but once they get in, they fight amongst themselves so much that no one is served and no difference is made.

It’s an age-old problem, it seems. There’s a place in Acts where Paul is being accused by the Pharisees and Sadducees, but when he mentions resurrection of the dead (one of the main points of dispute the two groups), they start fighting each other. Then the Pharisees backtrack and take Paul’s side... Their habit of fighting the Sadducees is so ingrained that they forget why they’re there! Anything but risk being on the same side, right? In this case, political infighting actually helped Paul (good thing he knew how to play them!), but how often is the case? 

In his life and in his execution, Jesus, too, was surrounding by all kinds of political maneuverings. The Pharisees wanted to hold on to their power so much that they actually paid one of Jesus's friends to betray him. And Pilate wouldn’t release him because he didn’t want to piss them off... I’m not sure it was a coincidence that the people who saw Jesus for who he was were not the ones in power. Except for Nicodemus, of course... Maybe that’s why I love Nicodemus so much – a politician who didn’t stay for the party!

Maybe it’s not the people themselves that frustrate me – maybe it’s the game. Maybe some actually go in thinking that they can be effective, but get stymied by the system... Maybe I am naive to think that this is why anyone enters politics... Yes, naive is a word that has been used to describe me now and then. 

I have no idea what it’s like to be a politician; I’m sure it’s very difficult. And I don’t know how they can “fix” this – other than to just get over themselves and work together. It’s probably not that easy, though... like i’ve just told an insomniac to “just go sleep.” 

I guess this is partly a byproduct of living in a democracy. Allowing for disagreement leads to... well, disagreement. And if one person is pushing a rock to the left, and another is pushing it equally hard to the right... that rock just isn’t going to move. 

As I said, I know very little about politics, but it sounds like the guys at the S&P are having similar thoughts. Here’s what Reuters said: “The theme running throughout S&P’s analysis is the breakdown in the ability of the Democratic and Republican parties to govern effectively. The agency said that policymaking and political institutions had weakened in the past few months ‘to a degree more than we envisioned.’ This has major implications for the nation’s budget and debt problems.” 

You can tell how frustrated I am by how garbled this blog entry is. I can’t even write straight! I guess I’ve said what I’ve meant to say, though: Politicians are really frustrating.