A Lazy, Distracted Woman's Guide to Bible Reading

As a follow-up to the previous "ode to the Bible" post, I'm game to offer this, my guide to Bible reading. I am definitely not an expert – not by a long shot. I just know what works for me. And you may already be a champion Scripture reader. But on the off-chance that anyone needs a little nudge, here's my two cents.

Dear lazy, distracted woman, 

When is the best time to read my Bible?
When you will read it. I like morning best, because if I don't do it then, I'm likely to get busy with other things and forget. I also like mornings best because there's coffee, which for some reason I associate with personal Bible study time.

There are so many versions – which one should I read?

Just pick one and go to town!

The one you enjoy reading. There are a gazillion versions, all slightly different, each with a different fan base. The first one I read all the way through was the Good News Bible. Remember that one from the 1970s? It was also sold in paperback as Good News for Modern Man, a New Testament-only tome. I thought this one would be easier to read – what with me being modern – but in the end I moved on to prefer the New International Version... Since the pastor at my church used it to preach from, it sounded most familiar, and I still think the language is quite lovely. Of course, for poetic-sounding verse, the King James Version can't be beat. The Message is pretty casual and contemporary sounding – lots of people love it. There's a new one called The Voice that my friend Grace ADORES. But again, the one I recommend is the one that will hold your attention.

How often should I read the Bible?
As often as you can. Having a routine is good. My goal is a bit every day, but sometimes I don't make it. Vacations. Crazy days at the Moore house. Most Sundays. Just do the best you can.

How much should I read each time?

I still love those groovy drawings from
Good News For Modern Man.

However much you want to. Read a different amount each time according to your whims, or follow some kind of routine. There are systems you can follow – like these on Biblegateway.com. There are topical studies, too. I like to read the whole thing all the way through from start to finish. That way I'm sure I haven't left anything out. A chapter a day is about all I can manage. I know that chapter divisions are fake, but they are still pretty good bite-sized portions. Not too long, not too short. During one busy, stressed out season, I was reading chapter portions – from subhead to subhead! The advantage to biting off a tiny amount is that you can really concentrate and get the taste of it. If you read a bunch at once, conversely, you can get a good overview of what is going on. Bible verses and stories sometimes don't make any sense when you aren't aware of what they are nestled twixt.

What if I forget to read my Bible?
Don't sweat it. See above. That book's not going anywhere. Go back to it tomorrow. Or the next day. Pray to remember!

What if I don't feel like reading my Bible?
Well, you can either do it anyway, or just skip it for that day. I'm thinking that one thing you DON'T want is for it to feel like a daily chore that you have to check off your list. I mean, you don't HAVE to do it. NO ONE is keeping score. That said, it sometimes DOES feel that way anyway. In this case, it feels like I'm walking a sort of easy, voluntary tightrope between making a gesture to declare my intentions, establish a habit, and snuggle up to the Almighty, versus feeling like if I don't do it, I'm damned, or not a good Christian, or something. I'm not even sure what I just said. It's just that reading the Bible is a choice... a choice that leads to something good... and because we are human and tired, and busy and lazy and distracted, sometimes we just don't want to do it. But sometimes you choose it anyway, but you can always know that you don't have to. And pray to feel like it! (In my case, I usually do it anyway, because often, if I wait to FEEL like doing something, it'll never get done!)

What if I don't have time to read the Bible?
It is counterintuitive (like most things in the Kingdom of God,) but the busier I am, the more I need the time I spend with God. This quiet time of being still sort of centers me. It makes me sort of able to take what comes during the busy day. To paraphrase Martin Luther – I'm so busy, I need to spend extra time praying so I can get it all done! If you like to have a verse to back up things here it is: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things [food, drink, clothes, time...] will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)

What if I get distracted?
You will! Just go back to it. Pray for focus! And if you figure out how NOT to get distracted during Bible reading please share with the group!

What if I have questions?
You will! Ask God. Ask a friend. Ask your pastor. Consult a commentary. One time I asked Facebook! I got all sorts of unexpected people chiming in on my question. It was like being in a virtual Bible study. It was awesome.

I love the Oxford
book of anything!

Should I also read commentaries?
Do you want to? Do you have any? Can you get your hands on some? I usually just read the little footnotes at the bottom of my NIV Bible. They are EXCELLENT for giving context and language tips and all. It has been my experience that if you read the Bible enough, you will have questions and WANT to explore. Again, none of this is mandatory.

What will I learn?
Whatever God wants you to learn! Pray for wisdom and revelation. Not everything you read will be easy or comforting, but it will be worthwhile... and true.

(Stating the obvious, preaching to the choir and all that...)

"Talk about a preachy book!"

Back in the old days as a brand new Christian, I once came out to my Bible study… as a non-Bible reader. I don’t know how long I had belong to the Chapel Hill BIBLE Church – a year, maybe? I soaked up every Bible-expository sermon proclaimed in the “pulpit,” listened to tapes of them over and over, and attended Bible studies and classes like a good beer on a Friday night at the end of a long week, but I had no inclination to actually READ the thing!

About a year later, I announced to the same group that I had finished reading the Bible! That was when this fantastic woman named Patience Teeny (her real name) told me that after my first declaration, she had begun praying that I would be seized by the desire to read it. Weird, huh? I guess not.

The Top 100 Guitarists 
of All Time? THAT's a 
fun list! This is #1, 
by the way.

Anyway, I can’t say enough how lovely the Bible is. Confusing, yes. Violent, yes. Dated. Yes. But also clear, sweet, and eternally relevant. It has entertainment value – a warrior getting nailed to the ground with a tent peg through the head, a fat dead guy whose servants don’t check on him because they’re sure he’s on the crapper, a talking donkey, whole armies being wiped out by a dude wielding the jawbone of an ass… to name a few! It has history, poetry, erotica, doctrine, good advice…

SINNER!!!!

Sure some parts are easier to read than others. It once occurred to me that reading the parts about wandering in the desert were a bit like… well, wandering in the desert!  And I remember the first time I read the book of Chronicles. That book does have some history parts, but also, it’s A BUNCH OF LISTS!!! And not fun ones, either… like the Top 100 Guitarists of All Time or Top Ten Facts about Raging Bull. No, these are genealogies and military rolls, lists of temple furnishings and stuff like that… And Leviticus. That’s full of handy instructions like what to do if there’s mildew in your house. Or if you have an infectious skin disease. The first time I read that book I thought I would never make it through. But then the second time… I’m not sure why, but I thought it was utterly fascinating!

Because I was familiar
with the Bible, I saw God
in this movie about Scottish
heroin addicts...

It’s my feeling that if you continue to read the Bible throughout your life, it will continue to show you new things about yourself, about life, and about God. You may be reading the same words, but new things will stand out to you. For instance, I was reading Deuteronomy during the fall, and that book is so chock full of stuff about social justice and fair treatment of the disenfranchised that it really affected how I viewed the election.

My own repeated readings have revealed to me a book that is at once sweetly familiar and continually baffling… Because most of all, the Bible is our best look into the mind of God – who is at once sweetly familiar and continually baffling. I mean there’s really no way for us to KNOW God completely here on earth, but this is our best chance… after all, John says that Jesus is the Word made flesh. (John 1:14)

and this movie about an 
art thief and a hired killer...

And what I see when I read the Word is a God who loves sinners. I love this quote from renowned theologian Homer Simpson: “Look at this Bible I just got. 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except for this guy.” I’m not going to say the Bible isn’t preachy – it’s full of sermons, right? And you can’t argue that it’s full of sinners. It absolutely is. Except for this guy. I’m assuming Homer is referring to Jesus. Because he “knew no sin.” And that’s my point. As Paul says in 2 Corinthians 5:21, “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” Because GOD LOVES SINNERS!!!! Even when Israel was at its worst, God pursued “her” like … well, like my persistent husband pursued me. And let me tell the guy was DETERMINED! But that's a story for another day.

and even in this!

I love the Bible and all its sinners simply because then I know God loves me too.  Every word of this book is a breath of fresh air to my moldy old cobweb-filled brain. Lots of things crowd my life and brain, but I like to think that knowing God is my heart’s desire, and His book gets me closer every time I plunge its puzzling depths. Sitting down before it every day (or nearly) at least declares my intentions!

And it's not just about those few minutes in front of the book – once it's in your brain, you will more easily recognize Him when you see Him. I could never see Him in movies and music without the foundation the Bible has given me. I mean, normally when I’m watching a film, it’s Bible verses that pop into my mind to direct me to Jesus. (This happened in reverse with Joy Davidman, the wife of C.S. Lewis – in a moment of despair God came into her room to comfort her. Later as she read about Jesus in the gospels, she recognized that Presence in her room.) 

My statement of intention.
(Coffee is not essential,
but preferred.)

Other ways to know God – the Holy Spirit, for instance, can’t be nailed down (John 3: 8). The Bible you can consult again and again. One time, before I was familiar with the sacred text, I was struggling with doubt, having very specific questions... and (what I believe was) the actual Holy Spirit gave me a verse! I looked it up in a concordance, and Bob's your uncle! The answer to my nagging question! Thank God for concordances, am I right?! So anyway, I’m thinking everything’s working together here… 

And I am not saying that I am some super Bible reader/studier, if that’s what you were thinking. In fact I’m pretty haphazard at it these days. When I was single, I had all kinds of time for such things, but life comes in phases and this phase, for me, does not lend itself to intensive study. On good days, I read one chapter. Then I read the notes at the bottom the pages of my NIV Bible. Those little blurbs really help give you a good idea of context and language peculiarities. At this rate, I should get through the Bible in three+ years... Yeah, I'm taking it at a leisurely pace... but as I said, I'm declaring my intentions.

This post is really not turning out how I had planned... I mean, I can’t begin to cover the importance of the Bible with one little blog post, and I am sure I am pretty much stating the obvious, preaching to the choir and all that... I’m just telling you. It’s a beautiful book full of beautiful things. It means a lot to me. God's in it. We're in it. If your aim is to get to know God – and He wants you to know Him – this is a good way. 

Bigmouth, Oscar Edition Part 2

While my husband is slow to praise most movies, he is always up for one made by Quentin Tarantino. Well, it just so happens that one of the films nominated  for Best Picture (and other awards) was his Django Unchained. Being a good sport of a wife, I have seen some of Tarantino’s movies, I haven’t seen this one. Tom went alone – not because I had any objections. It just worked out that way.

Anyway, here’s how Wikipedia describes the story: “Set in the antebellum era of the Deep South and Old West, the film follows a freed slave who treks across the United States with a bounty hunter (played by Waltz) on a mission to rescue his wife from a cruel and charismatic plantation owner.”

Django Unchained was riddled with graphic violence, foul language and racial epithets. Or so I’m told… That’s how all Tarantino’s movies are. Lots of blood and guts and gruesomeness and political incorrectness. This latest created a bit of controversy because of our nation’s recent focus on gun violence.

Nominated in five Oscar categories, Django Unchained actually won two – one for Original Screenplay, the other going to Christoph Waltz for Best Supporting Actor.

Waltz was a guest host on Saturday Night Live recently in one of the funnier shows they’ve put on lately. One of the sketches was a prerecorded “trailer” for a fake Tarantino movie – a spree of blood, guts and revenge called, Djesus Uncrossed.

I have a link for this, but I am hesitant to post it because it was so gross. You can certainly search for it yourself if you are not easily offended. During my first viewing of it, I think it would be accurate to say I was in a full body cringe. It featured Jesus rolling the stone away and saying in a menacing voice, “Guess who’s back.” He then proceeded to butcher the Romans in a variety of disgusting ways. When a Roman soldier exclaims, “Jesus H. Christ!,” he responds “The H is silent.” Brad Pitt as Peter tells the other disciples that they owe him 100 Roman scalps each, like his character does in Tarantino’s Inglorious Basterds.

See? It’s grossly offensive… but hilarious. And kinda thought-provoking. I mean, revenge is, I think, something that people naturally desire. All through the Psalms, people are asking God to avenge them. And, if I understand correctly, the faithful Jews of Jesus’s day actually did expect some kind of warrior guy who was going to open a can of whup-ass on their enemies.

Austrian actor Christoph Waltz (left)
won Best Supporting Actor for his role
in Django Unchained.

What they got instead was a guy who said, “Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called children of God,” and gave the enemies the whup-ass can AND the can opener. (One of the critics’ quotes on the fake trailer was “A less violent Passion of the Christ.” Because, really what happened to Jesus was crazy violent, and I'm guessing Mel Gibson wanted us to see every bit of what he imagined it was like.)

So, really, this blogpost is actually thematically linked with the previous one in more ways than one. Sure it’s about an Oscar winner. But it’s also about how the Kingdom of God comes in a subtle, often unrecognizable package.

Right now, anyway. According to the Revelation of St. John and other Biblical texts, Jesus is going to return. And this time it won’t be so quiet. All sorts of havoc is going to ensue. But for right now, you could say the Kingdom of Heaven is like a mustard seed. Tiny, but about to grow into something huge and beautiful and useful. Or like a grain of yeast that I put in my bread machine and it gets all churned up with the paddle into the whole two-pound ball of dough… Of course, maybe using a labor saving device takes some of the umph out of that one…!

The Kingdom of
Heaven is like yeast...

These are all (sort of) parables that Jesus told… because He knew “what was in a man.” He knew we’d want big flashy displays of power and might and vengeance. But that’s not what he was about. In one instance, his friends wanted to call down lightning on some particularly unhospitable folks, but Jesus outright rebuked them. In some versions of the Bible He says, “For the Son of man is not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them.”

I don’t really know how to end this, my second Oscar-driven post. Maybe we all have a picture of what God / Jesus is all about. Does he look and act like Santa Claus? Does he kick ass and take names? Is He an avenging angel? Or maybe, He’s a still small voice…?

In the book of Kings, Elijah prays for help and this happens:

"The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.'

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave."

When I read this I think, my world is so loud… what if God is whispering to me and I don’t hear him? I guess I’m actually hoping that He’s talking to me through the movies…

Bigmouth, Oscar Edition

I will confess right now that I didn’t think Seth McFarlane was necessarily the worst Oscar host ever. Sure he was offensive and immature… but what did people expect? Isn’t that his schtick? My favorite gag he pulled was the Sound of Music reference when he introduced Christopher Plummer! Baaahhaaaaaa!!! Well, I thought it was funny, anyway.

I don’t know about you, but I am still not used to having so many Best Picture nominees. Does it cheapen it? I don’t know. Before we had a kid, it was not unusual for us to have seen ALL of the feature-length nominated films IN THE THEATRE. Now, we do the best we can.

In the case of this year’s winner, Argo, we managed to “rent” it from iTunes the night before the Oscars aired. My husband, ever the critic, said, “It was okay,” like he says about most things he doesn’t outright despise, but I gotta say I really liked it… and if you saw it, you can probably imagine why.

Because of course, if a movie is about a guy rescuing people, I’m going to leap right to a Jesus comparison like I always do, right? Well, of course I am. Because that’s exactly where my one-track mind went.

I’m probably the only person in the US of A who hadn’t seen it by this time, but if you haven’t, Argo is based on a true story, and takes place during the Iran hostage crisis during Jimmy Carter’s presidency. All the people at the American Embassy were taken hostage by the insanely angry Iranian revolutionaries. Six Americans escaped and were holed up in the Canadian ambassador’s abode, and the CIA was tasked with getting them out.

And the Oscar goes to...

Enter Ben Affleck as Tony Mendez – a guy who specializes in rescuing people. His crackpot scheme involves going to Iran in the guise of a Canadian movie director scouting locations for a sci-fi film called Argo. His elaborate plan involves setting up a production office, running ads in Variety, and staging events with actors in costume. The muckety-mucks at the CIA don’t think much of this, but the best they can come up with was having them ride bikes hundreds of miles to the Turkish border.

The real Tony Mendez

So despite complete lack of support from the CIA… even when they try to pull the plug on the operation at the last minute, Tony Mendez keeps moving. Says the CIA guy: “Six Americans get pulled out of a Canadian diplomat’s house and executed, it’s another world outrage. Six Americans get caught playing movie make-believe with the CIA at the airport and executed, it’s a national embarrassment.” Yeah, the CIA is worried about their image.

But not Tony. He can’t just leave those people there because… well, he just can’t. He goes forward with the plot because… it’s what he does. It’s who he is. “We’re responsible for those people,” is what he says.

(Which brings to my mind these two stories Jesus told: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’  I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

Therefore be as shrewd as snakes
and as innocent as doves.

Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’ In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

See, to God, it's not just about image or numbers; each individual is precious and savable.

But back to our story… Of course when he gets there he has to convince the six people to buy into it. Needless to say, they’re scared. Some have a hard time trusting him. Maybe they had expected a showy military rescue with Navy Seals or Green Berets or something.

The most doubty guy sarcastically spouts off to him, “Is this the part where we say,  ‘That’s so crazy it just  might work’? C’mon...” Because, yes, it is a crazy plan. Then he tells the rest of the hiders, “That man out there, he’s got bad cards, he’s gonna lose. If he loses, it’s our lives. But then his wife says, “And his life too.”

Violence and power were the
only things Sauron knew.

Because that’s just it. That guy risked his life. “I’ll be with you,” Tony says, “This is what I do.” And God didn’t use his awesome power or his avenging angels to save us, did He? He got right down in the dirt with us, took on all our pain and humiliation Himself, and is even now carrying us out of the crazy, riot-torn country country with Him... even the doubty ones. Whoever wants to come, really... just fall in!

It reminds me a little bit of the Lord of the Rings – you know how Sauron expected his opponents to use the ring to obtain power and defeat him. It never occurred to him that they would destroy it. It was a plan too subtle for his evil mind. Because sometimes that’s what is needed. Remember when Jesus told his disciples, “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.”

Maybe the comparison of Argo to our own rescue from sin and self is a little obvious and amateurish, but I don't really mind. Any story or piece of art that reminds me of it is a thing of beauty to me!