|That's our Stephen, 4th from the left.|
Stephen and I attended a lot of the same shows in the eighties, and he could be seen on any given day hanging around Ruthless Records. We may have even met, but honestly that whole time is kind of a blur for me. He can be seen in this video by the Sex Police. Anyway, he's gone to his reward now, and that truly bums me out.
|Bruce wants outa his trap!!!|
Nonetheless, there I was… Trapped. Ooh yeah. Trapped. In a cage of my own making. I don’t know a lot about addictions, but I always thought that anorexia was like having an addiction… I mean, why do people become addicted to stuff? Are they filling a hole? Self-medicating? Genetically pre-disposed? I’m pretty sure all of that was true for me and my trap, anorexia… although it’s ironic to think I was filling a hole with emptiness!
Yeah, i’m pretty sure I was addicted to… anorexia! Or... the approval of other people? I mean, as the chubby girl, I was used to being the "fat friend"... to being regarded as "one of the boys" ... that is, not a romantic or even sexual prospect. When I became thin, I wallowed in the sudden attention from the opposite sex. I loved it. I toyed with it. It was awesome. That's what I got addicted to, I think. It's also ironic that in my quest to preserve the attractiveness I had attained, I lost it completely.
|Climbing out of a trap is like using |
the crazy, higgledy-piggledy stairs
Anyway, that song is a poignant picture of a person who is caught in something, like the first of the 12 Steps: "1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable." But ultimately our fellow has faith that he will escape – see, this line "But I'll teach my eyes to see beyond these walls in front of me/Someday I'll walk out of here again," is like the second step, which goes past what we can see with our eyes and invites a "Power greater than ourselves" to restore sanity.
I haven't really worked all the steps, but I do know that climbing out of a trap like anorexia or addiction is not like climbing an easy, straight, shallow staircase. It's more like traversing those staircases at Hogwarts – they are steep, and crumbly and actually move around! So it helps to have songs like this one to fill your head with and strengthen your resolve.
Anyway, that's just a couple of the things I got swirling around in my head, unable to get out. Perhaps it's just as well. I mean, it's not like the world NEEDS my random musings... but I'm learning what a blessing it is to be able to share them.