She said the answer was...

The Velvet Underground

Despite my disgruntled-ness (see previous post), I am striving to maintain my habit of communing with God of a morning, via prayer and a little Bible reading (I'm disgruntled with some of God's people, not God Himself, right)? And lucky me, I’m in the middle of the book of Romans, which… well, it’s a beautiful book – in fact, people say it goes a long way toward explaining what Jesus’s life and crucifixion meant for us… IF you can parse it out, that is… I’ve been reading it for, like, 30 years and I still have so, so many questions… Anyway, here’s what I read the other day:

So, my brothers and sisters, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God. For when we were in the realm of the flesh, the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in us, so that we bore fruit for death. But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code.

And I took a sip of coffee. And another sip of coffee. And I thought, “Huh?” I mean, it’s lovely and all, but what does it mean? Any attempt I make to paraphrase it line-for-line is just a mess… Which is a shame, because I feel like understanding it is the key to something I’ve been wrestling with for a while. 

And that is… How are we saved? By our faith? By our works? or both? I mean, of COURSE faith, not works… that’s what they teach you in Protestant churches… but if the church people believe this, then why is there so much emphasis in church on our (and everyone else's) activities?

I mean, like it says in the passage above, because of Jesus’s death, we are FREE from the law. But then it also says we should be free from SIN as well? Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely not sinless. I guess that’s why I struggle with this – because if salvation has anything to do with how I ACT, then I’m doomed… 

King David—dancing with his head up high.

And then there’s that part about being “released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code?” What IS this “new way of the Spirit?” HOW CAN I GET IT?!

Well, that day, as I was pondering this between coffee sips... the answer came to me like a message from God… through a song by the Velvet Underground. Seriously. The specific bit that kept invading my head space was this line from their raucous tune Head Held High*:

“…the answer was to become a dancer / Hold your head up high”

I’m not really sure I can explain why this is the answer to the confusion aroused by my reading of Romans 7. It just IS, and joyfully, hilariously so… That is... don’t sit around mulling over your sins—you’re free! So ACT free!

Be yourself! Be a Christian! Be a lover of people! Be a healer of the world! Be a pray-er! Be like David, who celebrated the return of the ark to Jerusalem by a public dancing display that was so vigorous that his wife was embarrassed! Be like Jesus who ate and drank with tax collectors and prostitutes so that they would know God loved them! Be like Paul who wasn’t ashamed of the gospel or afraid of public opinion or death or snakes… Be like Sophie**, a beautiful young cancer patient who wrote a poem that says this:

Be loud
And move with grace
Explode with light
Have no fear…

In other words: You don't have to live like a refugee!

I guess the best practical analogy I've ever heard is this: Imagine that the Christian life is like being married to your soul mate. After the ceremony, would you just go back to your old single-life apartment, keep eating Lean Cuisines, dating, and doing whatever you wanted to? 

Of course not! You'd start acting married! You'd move in together, eat together, merge finances, do life together! It might be hard to get used to at first, but over the years, you'd get the hang of it!

And I'm not talking about one of those creepy abusive marriages where one spouse is abusive and the other one is always walking on eggshells—afraid of what's going to set the jerk off... No siree, this marriage... – well, it's to a Person who is ALWAYS faithful, will ALWAYS love you, and will NEVER leave you—no matter what! Heck, He's bought you with His own blood! 

He thinks you're the bee's knees, the cat's meow, the cream in His coffee, the bubbles in His champagne. He doesn't want you to be creeping around worrying about the rules... He wants to take you dancing! Dare I say it? With your head up high!

*I can't make you, but I strongly urge you to listen to the whole song (here) — it’s awesome. It’s so wild and forceful… Just HAPPY! And FREE! You'll be dancing before you know it!

**I’ll tell you more about Sophie later because it’s a story worth telling. You can read the whole poem here.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I keep thinking I should write a special blog post for my birthday – even though it’s not one of the big ones… like last year. Maybe it’s odd that a grown woman would care about marking the day of her earthly debut, but… I guess I see it partly as a time to celebrate another year of defying death...

Yes, I’m gonna be 51… and I have a son who just turned nine. Just for the heck of it, I put him on the scales to see how far he’s come. Granted, he’s just busted through the mother of all growth spurts, but this child… this NINE YEAR OLD child, weighs 82 pounds. He is tall and well-formed, solid muscle and bone … I am definitely not saying that I think he weighs too much. In fact, he’s just right. My point is that …well, he weighs more than I did in my twenties.

Yeah… I was scrawny. And sick. And sad. But now… well, I’m plump! And well! And happy ! And ALIVE!!! So why NOT celebrate?! Why NOT eat cake?! Why NOT have a splendid diner at the fantastic, Southern Living-hailed Geer Street Garden?!

I found this cake pic doing an image
search! It has my name on it!

What’s weird is that this crazy body and brain of mine contain two opposing forces: the first one being the LET’S ROLL! me… the me who is ready for anything – let’s love the mess out of these people God gave me, and design the hell out of these ads and magazines, and write this crazy blog with all kinds of weird references, and lightly steam the crap out of these delicious vegetables from the farmshare, and dig art and music and movies and church, and tell everybody about Jesus… That’s probably the one you’re seeing when you look at me. And it really IS me.

But then there is this other me…  the ready-to-meet-Jesus me. The worn out, tired, plodding, just-get-it-over-with me. That’s me, too. I AM a Gemini (ie. twins), after all. Not that I follow the zodiac – that’s supposed to be demonic or something, isn’t it?

Yeah... I used to weigh what my
nine-year-old weighs now. It was nasty.

It’s pretty helpful when I think about this to realize that Paul had these same warring factions in him. Here’s what he said: "If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body." (Philippians 1:22-24)

Now, I am in NO WAY comparing myself to a spiritual giant like Paul… But I DO kinda know what he meant. It’s not a weird death wish or a suicidal tendency or anything… I think he was just tired. He endured all kinds of trials – whipping and imprisonment and shipwreck and snakebite… It makes my little "trials" look like a hangnail.

Harry Dean Stanton
as Paul

But Paul... I don’t think he was looking for a way out – he’d already emptied himself and given himself to Jesus… I just think his whole life had been pointing to this end and he was ready for it. And he was so sure of Jesus waiting there for him that he could freely say, “Kill me now.” I imagine he felt like a marathon runner craving the finish line and his trainer's arms to collapse into.

And because he was so sure of Jesus, he was also able to keep on running – he plowed ahead with what he was doing here on earth. He knew he wasn’t done, and he loved all those people so much... He had to keep on keeping on… to PREACH TO HECK OUT OF THE GOSPEL, SAVE A GAZILLION SOULS, MAKE A BUNCH OF TENTS, AND PRAY SOME SUPER FERVENT PRAYERS, AND HAVE SOME EXHAUSTING VISIONS, AND PLANT A BUNCH OF CHURCHES ALL ACROSS THE KNOWN WORLD, AND WRITE A BUNCH OF HELFUL LETTERS, AND MEDIATE SOME DISPUTES AND MENTOR SOME YOUNGER PASTORS… It was a hard life, but a good one.

Life IS good – and I'm going to celebrate another year of mine. Death is good, too, but I’m not ready. And either way, it’s all for Jesus.